I for the last few weeks have been playing an epic of a game of skill and patience and thought I would share this new adventure with the world….. Or at least those poor souls that read this.

The game consists by calling up the customer service department of an alarm company. Not just any alarm company the one that protects my house. The game didn’t start by be wanting to prank the company, no it started when they billed me more then double what my monthly cost should have been 3 months in a row.

After the first month I called and they apologized and were going to fix it. Next month, double charged again and no credit on my account. So where did this money go? Oh wait until month 3! Double charged again. At this point the alarm company has $95 of my money extra from these double charges.

Now the game comes into play where I as the consumer try to get back my money that the alarm company stole. I really should patent this because it is a great game to play with any company.

What you do is you call the company up and be polite to begin with. After all, starting out an A$$ will get you nowhere quick. So you start by saying “I’m calling to check on the status of a refund owed to me.” And the person on the other side says “what?” Then you go through the script with them explaining what happened and how you were owed a refund. At this point the moron on the other end of the phone says that they don’t see where you were going to get a check but a credit on the account.

So you say, a credit what’s wrong with that?

To which I reply, everything. I want proof that there is a credit, and hey these idiots stole $95 from me and I want it back!

So you complain you want a check and they finally agree but say it will take 10-15 business days to get the refund to you. So I say “fine” and I wait the 15 days.

On day 16 I call up and ask “where’s my money?” to which they reply, “What? I show you have a credit and a check was never sent.”

Can you feel the frustration mounting?

So you then roll the dice and ask to speak to a supervisor as you understand that the person on the phone can’t issue a check or expedite the request.

At this point you listen to wonderful on hold music which I think is supposed to calm you down, after all isn’t that why they play elevator music when you are on hold with a customer service department? Is it wrong that when I hear Kenny G I want to kick an oompa loompa until his orange face turns blue? So by the time the “next level” gets on the phone you are more irritated then when you started, plus you’ve had about 15 minutes to practice your blurb.

So then the manager gets on the phone and you say “I assume you have gone over my notes and know what is going on?” to which they reply, “yes I see we owe you a refund of $95. Is that correct?” And you say “Yes it is, I want a check and I was promised one 3 weeks ago.”

After much complaining the manager then tells you he will get the accounting department to cut a check the next day and then mail it out, but it will take 10-15 business days to receive it.”

“Whaaaaatttttt?” I say. I in my kindest, most irritated tone explain how I’ve already waited and don’t want to wait anymore. They have 2 business days to get the money into my account no matter how they have to do it.”

“Ok” the manager says. He then mumbles and finally says “can I get your checking account number and I’ll have them deposit it into your account? Or perhaps they can overnight it, whichever method is fastest.”

“Great!” I thought to myself, progress. So I give the guy my info and he says he will call me the next day. Well since this is a game at this point you take a card and it says “lose a turn.”

I will say at this point it’s important to not let up and don’t give the guy on the phone a chance to talk. It’s important that as a customer you control the situation so the guy has a chance to go through his flip chart of how to handle an upset customer. After all, when he reads his chart and you finally start to ease off he feels like he worked the situation and made you calm down. You need to validate this shallow idiots abilities and give him confidence in himself even though you know he is totally incapable of delivering anything he says.

The next day comes and no phone call arrives. At this point it’s Friday night. So you let it go over the weekend thinking, maybe he will call. But nope.

So then Monday you call back and go through the script again with a new person who apologizes and appears sympathetic. I tell you some of these people answering the phones need to be actors cause they area really good. Sorry, I digress.

Then the lady on the phone puts you on hold, talks to the supervisor who I talked to on Thursday and she gets back and says “the supervisor said that the accounting office was closed on Friday, so he’ll take it to them tomorrow to be processed and you’ll have your check by wednesday.”

If you have any logic you would think, we’ll today is monday…..Was the accounting department not open today either? Yeah right, it was closed Monday and Friday and it wasn’t even a holiday weekend! Sign me up for a job in that company will ya?

In reality the moron just forgot to do it, then he didn’t have the guts to tell me he forgot. Imagine that, a customer service call center manager without a backbone…. Go on.

So I play the idiot caller again and act like I believe them, after all they act like they care so we all are just full of a lot of crap at this point.

Wednesday comes and wednesday night approaches and no check, no phone call not even a single luxury. Did I go to far? Perhaps. So I call back up and get to speak to a brand new moron on the phone. This guy couldn’t get it clear that they owed me money and kept trying to find out if the check I sent them cleared………. what?????

Eventually the one brain cell he has became available and was able to process my phone call. He finally got it straight and told me he would email the accounting department who doesn’t talk to the public directly (gee I wonder why.) And that they would call me tomorrow.

“What?” I thought the accounting department didn’t call customers directly. At this point you can pretty much ad lib your way through, tell them you are unhappy…….tell them you are very upset…….tell them you want a free month of service or two…….oh yeah throw in cancelling your account and getting a lawer invovled cause they just love that. Then set a deadline.

So, with that being said the game will continue on Thursday. I am supposed to have a phone call from one of the reps by 8:00pm EST at which point if you believe what I said “I’ll cancel my account and file complaints with every organization I can find.”

Oh yeah, he did say “this is an isolated incident.” to which I replied “I am not so sure, I would imagine if it were you all would take it a little more seriously.” Oh yeah then throw in a few shots like “how can you protect my home if you can’t even figure out how to send me a refund and get my billing right?”

I used to get so worked up with these things. But to be honest, I’m really having a great time playing the game with them.

Oh and if you want to know who the alarm company is, It’s Monitronics. Never heard of them huh? Well there is reason for it. They seemed really good at first, but now that we have been a customer just over a year, the service has gone downhill drastically. I understand that a computer glich caused my bill to be wrong. It happens, but the trouble I am having getting a refund is really just outrageous.